Mom Presses for Change After Losing Son to Suicide
At the time, I could never have envisioned some of the joy that was still to come. I would cry all day, didn’t think I would ever stop. I laid on the couch and cried all summer. I didn’t want to do anything. I didn’t want to live. – Vee Kotek
On May 3, 2000, Justin Kyle Kotek, 14, an eighth-grader at Newbury Jr./Sr. High School, left a camcorder video in front of his parents’ TV, a note for them to read and then went into the backyard and took his life.
It’s been 19 years since that fateful day, and yet, Vee Kotek, Justin’s mother, still does not fully understand why her son made that choice — and has accepted she likely never will.
But his death spurred a lot of transformation within her, said Vee, who is currently pursuing her psychiatric mental health nurse practitioner degree and is an advocate for suicide prevention and awareness.
When asked whether Justin had showed any signs of depression, Vee said she didn’t recognize them at the time, but in hindsight, he did exhibit signs he was struggling with something.
“He was in eighth grade, just a real fun-loving, easygoing guy,” she recalled. “He was a little bit of a class clown. He was real sensitive and borderline gifted. He was quick with jokes.”
Justin was one of four children — two sisters (one older and one younger) and a younger brother.
“Prior to (his suicide), he loved soccer and the fall before (he died), we had to force him to do soccer,” Vee remembered. “Now, when I look back, I think it was depression, but at the time, we thought it was more belligerence. He was having trouble sleeping. He had had straight A’s. When he got into junior high, his grades started to fall. He would forget to turn assignments in or do homework. He was struggling to get C’s and D’s, and this was a kid who had straight A’s before.
“Hindsight is perfect — this was a picture of depression, but at the time, we did not see that. He was growing so much. It looked a lot to us like, this is a teenager, this is what a teenager does. He would come home (from school) and sleep a lot. My daughter had been diagnosed with mono, so I thought maybe the same for him. I did take him to the doctor and he was tested for mono, but he told me his results were fine.”
Vee said the family had bought a computer around that time, which was set out in the dining room.
“We are pretty sure he looked up how to kill himself,” she said.
The Koteks were all very involved in their church and youth group, Vee said, adding there was a huge church event downtown and she remembers a video was shown of a girl who had attempted suicide.
“She made a video for her parents. She didn’t complete it,” Vee said. “Instead of (Justin) saying, ‘Suicide is wrong. You’re taking your life,’ he came home and mimicked this.”
In the video Justin made, he was crying and said, “I have to do this. I love you. This isn’t your fault,” said Vee, adding he had also left a note with a similar message.
The morning of May 3, Vee and her husband, Daniel, had to go to a doctor’s appointment in downtown Cleveland. She recalled Justin had been crying that morning. He had gotten a black eye while playing in a friend’s backyard, but had told people at school a different story, and Vee thought maybe he was just upset he would have to go back to school and face the fact he had lied.
“We thought he had gotten on the bus,” Vee said. “It was a long day. We get home. I didn’t expect him to be home because he had track practice. When he didn’t come home, I called his friend. He’s like, ‘No, he was not in school today.’”
At that point, the entire neighborhood came out and started looking for him, Vee said, adding a neighbor and youth pastor found his body in their backyard.
“I never had a grief so deep. It was just another level, I can’t even tell you,” she said, adding she was so thankful she had a lot of support from family, Justin’s track team and friends, her friends, the church community and her work.
“At the time, I could never have envisioned some of the joy that was still to come,” she said. “I would cry all day, didn’t think I would ever stop. I laid on the couch and cried all summer. I didn’t want to do anything. I didn’t want to live.”
The family took a trip out west that summer, Vee said, adding she’ll never forget looking at a mountain in Yellowstone National Park and feeling a brief moment of peace in her heart.
“There was something healing about taking that trip,” she said. “The nature, being out in nature was healing. Grief, it will always be with you, but it certainly feels different 19 years later, 10 years later.”
In hindsight, Vee said she suspects, in addition to his depression, Justin had been dealing with some bullying but was trying to handle it himself.
“When I look back at it, I had a period where I got mad at my doctor for not seeing it,” she said. “I got angry with the school for not calling me. Looking back, I wish I had put together this kid isn’t deliberately doing this. Teenagers have a bad rap as far as the bad moods. But it could go deeper.”
Vee urges parents who are seeing signs of depression or teenage moodiness in their child to not hesitate to get a counselor involved or a pastor.
“For us, individual counseling was really what we needed,” she said. “I wish there was a mental health curriculum in middle school. People are afraid you’ll give kids ideas.”
She said it’s important for parents to educate themselves as much as possible and to teach their children how to build a support system, how to build coping mechanisms and to understand what they can do when they’re struggling with something mentally or emotionally.
“We need to be observant of others and not be absorbed in our own worlds,” Vee said, explaining students need to be taught about thoughts, feelings and behaviors, and how they are related.
She also said for people supporting those in crisis, it’s important to practice presence and just be there for that person.
“I think I’m in a good place (now),” she said. “I don’t know why he did it. I still don’t. I came to some kind of acceptance. I wish it wasn’t, but it is. I was a lot more judgmental before this and felt like we were trying to do all things right … and then this happened. I’m not nearly as judgmental anymore. You just never know what another person may be dealing with.
“In that way, I’m a better person I believe. I hate that it was this that spurred that.”
As for her other children, Vee said they all grieved and processed Justin’s death in their own ways.
“I think my kids are in a good place,” she said. “They will talk a little bit about positive memories with him.”
NATIONAL SUICIDE PREVENTION LIFELINE
1-800-273-TALK (8255)
COPELINE
1-888-285-5665 or 440-285-5665 to access a Crisis Intervention Specialist.
Text the keyword 4hope to 741 741 and expect a reply from a trained Crisis Counselor within five minutes. Your message is confidential, anonymous and secure.
NAMI HelpLine
1-800-950-6264
For a list of additional resources visit: https://namigeauga.org/crisis-info/
